Snarking at Skymall

You may have noticed that there haven’t been any new snarks in a while. The problem is, I’ve switched accounts at work, and I’m no longer spending many hours on a plane every month. Indeed, I haven’t traveled for months. So I don’t have access to the latest Skymall catalog, nor do I have all that time with nothing to do but make fun of it.

This isn’t to say the blog is dead. I still think the Skymall catalog is hilarious. As soon as I’m back on an account that involves business travel, I’ll pick it back up. It’s just in hibernation until then.

Photographers who have used these and similar tools tell me that they’re great–essentially, you can turn any object into a tripod, without having to carry one around.

Of course, that’s all part of the plan. We’ll realize only too late how big a mistake it was to give all of our electronic devices legs of their own, once they rise up and attack. The cameras will crawl up into corners and lurk there, acting as the spying eyes for the larger, deadlier electronics. The phone will spring out of its owners pocket and strangle her with those prehensile legs. The PSP will charge its owner, smacking him with its UMD drive.

Then we will curse the inventors of the Gorillapod for the part they played in dooming the human race.

“Five simple rules for living are artfully summed up: Live, Learn, Laugh, Love, Life.”

Has this ever happened to you? You’re sitting at the breakfast table, having your morning cup of coffee. Suddenly, you desperately need to know what time it is! But since you haven’t finished your coffee yet, you just don’t have the energy to check your watch, or pull out your phone, or tilt your head upwards to look at a wall clock. So you sit there, wondering what time it is and doomed never to know.

Well, okay, that has never happened to me. But if it has ever happened to you, your problems are solved!

I have to admit, I actually got the giggles when I turned the page to this product. I’m relieved to know, as the copy proudly announces, that it’s the only one of its kind.

Yeah…you forgot to put the new cover sheet on your TPS luggage…did you get the memo? I’ll just make sure you get another copy of the memo, okay? Yeah…I’m gonna need you to come in on Saturday.

(Note: The scan above really doesn’t do Godard’s works “justice”. My Skymall scans are unquestionably fair use, but I think I’d be in danger of copyright violations if I included high-res scans of his art, so I urge my readers to go and check out a few of his works yourself before reading the rest of this post.)

“‘Oh my God…ard!’ Those are usually the first words out of people’s mouths when they view Michael Godard’s artwork.”

You know, I actually pretty much believe that. Well, okay, not the ridiculous “ard” part, but the rest of it.

“His paintings even adorn the walls of the officers’ lounge in the Pentagon.”

Well, you can’t get a better endorsement than that. If anybody knows good art, it’s the US military.

“Today, Michael Godard is considered one of the most prolific and influential artists of our time.”

Who exactly considers him influential? Because, you know, I’m a member of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and an occasional visitor to MOMA and PS1 (a contemporary art museum), and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single work of art that looked like it was influenced by this stuff. “Prolific” I believe, though.

“Until now, ‘Footed Pajamas’ have been typically hard to find in adult sizes.”

You know, there’s a reason for that. Do you really want to look like this guy?

I guess, though, that these would be perfect if you’re a diaper fetishist, and people keep telling you that you need to grow up a little.

That little box is your idea of “Spacious Living”? You must live in Manhattan.

Okay, I know that this is a confession that I’m a massive dork, but I think having a detailed replica of the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter would be really cool. The trouble with this product, though, is…well, let’s turn it over to my good friend George W. Bush.

“It’s just a goddamn piece of paper!”

Thanks, George W. Bush. Your contributions to American public discourse will not be soon forgotten. And you’re right, this is just a piece of paper, and $35 seems pretty steep for a piece of paper. Pity, really.

Story about Skymall in the New York Times. Sounds like they’re perfectly aware of how absurd their catalog is. A quote that I loved:

“To browse its pages is to understand the essential secret of American consumer life: That we’ve officially run out not only of things we need, but even of things we might plausibly desire.”