I’m sorry, did I stumble into a time warp and land in 1955? Because that’s the only explanation that I can think of for a dustpan to be under an enormous “Holiday Gifts for Her” banner.
“The world’s first patented weather station atomic clock with LED light you can see anytime.”
There are an awful lot of qualifiers on that “World’s First” claim.
I’m guessing some other company has made a patented weather station atomic clock with LED light that you can only see some of the time?
Or maybe they made a weather station atomic clock with LED light you can see anytime, but didn’t patent it?
Or maybe they made a patented weather station clock with LED light you can see anytime, but it wasn’t an atomic clock?
The possibilities are endless.
This is actually kind of a cool product, if a bit overpriced at $3,700. But note the description:
“100 classic games return to life in this full size upright console…A host of vintage Atari and Capcom games (35 in all) ensure plenty of variety.”
What happened to the other 65 games?
Maybe they realized, halfway through writing the description, that they didn’t actually have the rights to sell the rest of them, but the first half of the description was already up there on the screen, and it would have taken so much work to erase and re-type it.
“Holds snacks while you’re watching TV, and is a handy place for your paper or crossword puzzle.”
But they’re not showing it holding any of those, are they? They’re showing it holding your seventh and eighth Scotch on the rocks of the night, as you sit there, glad that the tray table is wide enough that you don’t risk missing it and accidentally dropping the empty glasses on the floor before you pass out watching SportsCenter.
Crossword puzzle my ass.
Okay, I have to admit that an animated plastic deer with a big red target on its chest is pretty damn classy. But I would never buy this–it would distract motorists from my “naked lady silhouette” mudflaps and my “keep honking, I’m reloading” bumper sticker.
“Fact: Research shows that written words on containers of water can influence the water’s structure for better or worse based on the nature or Intent (sic) of the word.”
Wait. Hold up. Slow down. Hang on a second. Wait.
You’re saying that water can read?
And it knows not just human language, but enough human psychology to determine the intent of words written on its container? If water is that smart, isn’t drinking it murder?
I would seriously love to see this “research”.
“Fact: The human body is over 70% water. What if positive words were printed on the inside of your clothing?”
Well, I’d be a gullible idiot who just paid $79 for a sweatshirt. But at least nobody else would know how big an idiot I was, since the words are printed on the inside.
It’s so lifelike, you’ll think you have the severed torso of a freshly-murdered Elvis impersonator right there in your living room! His dead eyes stare accusingly at you, as if to say, “Why did I have to die? Just so that I could sit here and sing for your sick amusement? Please, let me rest in my grave!”
If you never hear anybody say, “I love hot dogs, but they’re so much trouble to cook!”, then why do we have…
This product, a perfect example of unnecessarily specialized technology, is what inspired me to write this blog in the first place.
“This unique kitchen appliance”
because nobody else would dream of manufacturing something so absurd,
“lets you easily prepare two hot dogs in minutes”
as opposed to the old-fashioned ways that take hours, apparently.