Snarking at Skymall

Photographers who have used these and similar tools tell me that they’re great–essentially, you can turn any object into a tripod, without having to carry one around.

Of course, that’s all part of the plan. We’ll realize only too late how big a mistake it was to give all of our electronic devices legs of their own, once they rise up and attack. The cameras will crawl up into corners and lurk there, acting as the spying eyes for the larger, deadlier electronics. The phone will spring out of its owners pocket and strangle her with those prehensile legs. The PSP will charge its owner, smacking him with its UMD drive.

Then we will curse the inventors of the Gorillapod for the part they played in dooming the human race.

Yeah…you forgot to put the new cover sheet on your TPS luggage…did you get the memo? I’ll just make sure you get another copy of the memo, okay? Yeah…I’m gonna need you to come in on Saturday.

When the robots win the inevitable battle and rule the world at last, all humans will be forced to wear these mind-control caps. Be ahead of the curve and order one today!

“The Helmet HERO WIDE Edition camera lets you shoot exciting, wide-angle photos and videos during your favorite activities.”

I’ll bet it does. And I’m sure you’ll buy it saying you’re going to use it to film yourself mountain biking and bungee jumping and so on. But let’s be honest–you’re really going to end up using it to film your “favorite activities” in the bedroom. That’s okay, we don’t judge here at Skymall.  Just remember,

“Holds snacks while you’re watching TV, and is a handy place for your paper or crossword puzzle.”

But they’re not showing it holding any of those, are they?  They’re showing it holding your seventh and eighth Scotch on the rocks of the night, as you sit there, glad that the tray table is wide enough that you don’t risk missing it and accidentally dropping the empty glasses on the floor before you pass out watching SportsCenter.

Crossword puzzle my ass.