Snarking at Skymall

“This patented design surrounds the beverage with a powerful triangular-shaped magnetic field, and in just 10 seconds, you’ll taste a premium drink’s smooth, mellow flavor equal to years of traditional slow aging.”

You know, until I picked up the Skymall catalog, I thought that “The Amazing Power of Magnets” had gone away at about the same time as phrenology and “bad humors”. But apparently not, because there are a whole bunch of magic magnet products scattered throughout Skymall. (Come to think of it, bad humors haven’t really gone away either. They just call them “toxins” nowadays in the hopes of sounding more scientific. But I digress.)

The point is, elsewhere in the catalog, magnets held to the skin are supposed to prevent aging, but here they accelerate aging.  Those are some pretty smart magnets, that can somehow tell whether they’re near a glass of wine or a person. Or if it’s supposed to be something special about the configuration of the magnets, does that mean that if you put your hand inside this product, it’ll shrivel up like in Indiana Jones? They should probably warn you about that.

“Guaranteed to work 24/7 for 100 years.”

Yeah, I feel comfortable guaranteeing that this will work just as well after 100 years as it does the day you buy it.

“Fact: Research shows that written words on containers of water can influence the water’s structure for better or worse based on the nature or Intent (sic) of the word.”

Wait. Hold up. Slow down. Hang on a second. Wait.

You’re saying that water can read?

And it knows not just human language, but enough human psychology to determine the intent of words written on its container?  If water is that smart, isn’t drinking it murder?

I would seriously love to see this “research”.

“Fact: The human body is over 70% water. What if positive words were printed on the inside of your clothing?”

Well, I’d be a gullible idiot who just paid $79 for a sweatshirt. But at least nobody else would know how big an idiot I was, since the words are printed on the inside.