Snarking at Skymall

(Note: The scan above really doesn’t do Godard’s works “justice”. My Skymall scans are unquestionably fair use, but I think I’d be in danger of copyright violations if I included high-res scans of his art, so I urge my readers to go and check out a few of his works yourself before reading the rest of this post.)

“‘Oh my God…ard!’ Those are usually the first words out of people’s mouths when they view Michael Godard’s artwork.”

You know, I actually pretty much believe that. Well, okay, not the ridiculous “ard” part, but the rest of it.

“His paintings even adorn the walls of the officers’ lounge in the Pentagon.”

Well, you can’t get a better endorsement than that. If anybody knows good art, it’s the US military.

“Today, Michael Godard is considered one of the most prolific and influential artists of our time.”

Who exactly considers him influential? Because, you know, I’m a member of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and an occasional visitor to MOMA and PS1 (a contemporary art museum), and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single work of art that looked like it was influenced by this stuff. “Prolific” I believe, though.

That little box is your idea of “Spacious Living”? You must live in Manhattan.

When Apple came out with the iMac, it was designed to make it as easy as possible to connect to the Internet. That’s where the “i” came from. The iBook is a laptop that connects to the Internet, the iPod plays music you download from the Internet, you get the idea.

So now I’m wondering what this wallet’s connection to the Internet is. Does it sync with your online bank account? Does it let identity thieves steal your credit card numbers without you even having to open your wallet?

There has to be something, because I can’t imagine that a reputable company like Steinhausen would use the “i” prefix purely as an attempt to sound hip by cashing in on a trend from the late 90s.

“…designed to give you the experience of a home theater…”

As long as your idea of a home theater includes a screen 1.5 inches diagonal. Who needs that 42-inch plasma TV, anyway?  As excited as I am about buying this product, I think I’ll hold out for a watch with a built-in Blu-Ray player.

“The world’s first patented weather station atomic clock with LED light you can see anytime.”

There are an awful lot of qualifiers on that “World’s First” claim.

I’m guessing some other company has made a patented weather station atomic clock with LED light that you can only see some of the time?

Or maybe they made a weather station atomic clock with LED light you can see anytime, but didn’t patent it?

Or maybe they made a patented weather station clock with LED light you can see anytime, but it wasn’t an atomic clock?

The possibilities are endless.