Snarking at Skymall

“Holds snacks while you’re watching TV, and is a handy place for your paper or crossword puzzle.”

But they’re not showing it holding any of those, are they?  They’re showing it holding your seventh and eighth Scotch on the rocks of the night, as you sit there, glad that the tray table is wide enough that you don’t risk missing it and accidentally dropping the empty glasses on the floor before you pass out watching SportsCenter.

Crossword puzzle my ass. 

Okay, I have to admit that an animated plastic deer with a big red target on its chest is pretty damn classy. But I would never buy this–it would distract motorists from my “naked lady silhouette” mudflaps and my “keep honking, I’m reloading” bumper sticker.

“Fact: Research shows that written words on containers of water can influence the water’s structure for better or worse based on the nature or Intent (sic) of the word.”

Wait. Hold up. Slow down. Hang on a second. Wait.

You’re saying that water can read?

And it knows not just human language, but enough human psychology to determine the intent of words written on its container?  If water is that smart, isn’t drinking it murder?

I would seriously love to see this “research”.

“Fact: The human body is over 70% water. What if positive words were printed on the inside of your clothing?”

Well, I’d be a gullible idiot who just paid $79 for a sweatshirt. But at least nobody else would know how big an idiot I was, since the words are printed on the inside.

It’s so lifelike, you’ll think you have the severed torso of a freshly-murdered Elvis impersonator right there in your living room!  His dead eyes stare accusingly at you, as if to say, “Why did I have to die?  Just so that I could sit here and sing for your sick amusement?  Please, let me rest in my grave!”

If you never hear anybody say, “I love hot dogs, but they’re so much trouble to cook!”, then why do we have…

This product, a perfect example of unnecessarily specialized technology, is what inspired me to write this blog in the first place.

“This unique kitchen appliance” 

because nobody else would dream of manufacturing something so absurd,

“lets you easily prepare two hot dogs in minutes” 

as opposed to the old-fashioned ways that take hours, apparently.

Welcome to Snarking at Skymall!

I fly a lot for work. And like many frequently fliers, my attention occasionally turns to the “Skymall” catalog they put in every seat pocket.

There are some interesting items in there. There are some things that would make good gifts. And then there are the things that you would only buy if you were suffering from high-altitude oxygen deprivation, and had drunk a couple of in-flight cocktails to boot. This blog is dedicated to mocking those items.

This blog is inspired in part by the Comics Curmudgeon, although I can’t promise that I will be as funny as Josh is.

I’m going to update this blog whenever I feel like it, and it will depend to a large extent on my travel schedule. So the best thing to do is subscribe to the RSS feed.